Mid morning ramblings of a discerner

It’s 3:31 am as I begin this post.  Can’t sleep.  What pray tell can keep me awake at this hour?

I’m waiting.

Today my discernment committee met for the last time.  We did noon prayer, I held a lesson for them based on last Sunday’s lectionary and a bit of PB-E Curry’s sermon.  They let me know that I was done and they will meet just one more time to prepare a report for the vestry. Then we all said by and went our merry ways.

Hmm.  Can that be it?  I can’t help but have felt a bit of a fizzle.  Don’t really know what I expected, perhaps a parting of the clouds and some birdsong?  Some fanfare at least.

Nothing, and with the nothing comes the waiting for it to feel real that this phase is done and the next is almost beginning.

It’s odd really that I should feel that as the diaconate is already a foregone conclusion in my mind.  That’s not hubris, mind you, its simple faith that God has a plan.  For my committee, at least today, it seems foregone as well.  They and I know that this is where God has put me and his hand on my shoulder is pushing me forward.

My husband congratulated me when I called him.  He’s the only one outside of the committee I’ve told of this change of phase.  Merely because I have not had opportunity. He supports me, but also thinks I’m a tad nuts to want to “get demoted from parishioner to servant of parishioners.”  He’s already so diaconal himself that its a laughable position for him to take.  I think he too is waiting for some great and momentous moment.

I am realizing more and more the role of the outward facing symbols of religion is more for the people themselves.  God himself doesn’t need a ceremony to claim me for his cause.  He’s pushing the ceremony to push me to be an outward facing symbol rather than an introverted servant.  I’m also a long way from that ceremony.

Its also possible that this format of committee, report, vote rinse and repeat is the reason for the unreal feel it isn’t over, not by a long shot.

So I pray and wait.  I serve at the pleasure of my Lord, Jesus Christ, and my time is not my own.

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