Lucid daydreaming is probably the best description I can apply to some aspects of discernment. Especially a thought process which began quite without warning, and has grown in recent days. I am in need of a spiritual director.
I’ve come to the conclusion that it clearly is not my own priest, which is as it should be if we are to work together at the end of this process. But moreover as I’ve gotten to know him better, I’ve learned that my soul has other ideas about how and to whom I should turn for direction.
I have two ideas stuck in my head, and I need to explore them more fully as I discern before this question of direction will be answered. On the one hand, there is a deacon and a woman. I deeply respect and admire her. On the other hand, there is a priest whom I barely know except for a single retreat day some years ago when I met him.
At first blush it seemed obvious to choose the deacon. She does what I aspire to do. She’s been where I am and where I will go. We’ve had some good conversations, and I feel that we will be friends. However, the priest was the person who gave me an unflinching assessment at our first meeting, saw that my heart was with those in need, and told me to “keep pursuing how to better serve those in need.” I didn’t know at the time about feeling called to the diaconate. I’d never even considered it. On reflection, he offered some of the clearest direction I’ve experienced in my lifetime after a single day. I can’t help but feel that is what I need in my life.
I also have not broached the topic with either of them. Mainly because it’s too new of a thought process and I’ve not seen either with the hustle and bustle that is the season of advent for clergy. Secondarily because being shy and vulnerable is not my strong suit and it will take some girding of loins for me to start this conversation. I am hoping to find time to visit each of their churches between now and epiphany and find time to open the dialogue.
Pray that I find direction my friends.