Is my committee cursed? And other heretical thoughts.

It’s been a week, a heavy work load not enough caffeine in the world week. It’s week-y with a chance of heavy week over the next few days.

But enough about work.

I need to stop being the main character in the novel or my life. Seriously, things happen which are beyond my control and purview and somehow I manage at times to see the narrative as mine. Intellectually and in my heart I know that it’s about Him. His glory, His kingdom. 

And yet I find myself quite a heretic in my private thoughts sometimes. Elevating myself to heights of centrality I do not embody.

For example, my discernment
committee has formed. In the last week, one member lost a parent, one with the dates confused and may not be available, and one ended up in the hospital. Now I felt concern and a need for prayer for each of these. I’ve prayed and offered corporeal assistance to each. But, somehow I also managed to think, is my discernment committee cursed? And wonder if it was a sign.

That conceit, while fleeting, is a question I have and hope to wrestle. What are signs? How do we know when a sign is prophetic, and when it’s egocentric nonsense? Why does the meditative inner me not always do what my external self wishes?

It is with this thought in mind that I come to my compline prayers and add Psalm 19:14

Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer.
Amen